Shoe box

There’s  a shoe box under my bed.

It’s a nondescript one. This is the latest one in the line of shoe boxes which have found residence in my house time and again. Some claimed the bottom shelf of my cupboard while a few others usually loved snuggling up in the drawer of my bedside table. This one however, like the very first one, has grown used to the darkness under my bed.

There’s a shoe box under my bed.

I can’t make out the brand of shoe that it carried inside. Also, I do not remember since it’s been ages since I bought any shoe. The colour under all that dust seems to be a red of some sort. The frayed edges, threatening to fall apart at a moment’s notice, remind me it’s time to find a new home for what’s within.

There’s a shoe box under my bed.

It holds an assorted list of things. There’s bound to be an old pressed flower, barely distinguishable. Some yellowed pages torn from notebooks, a few tickets with their print long gone, a clear packet full of candles/ pencils or even stones, a promise ring, torn photographs, weirdly shaped pebbles. A few cards and gift wrapping papers must have made the cut as well.  They remind me of times gone by. Of loves lost through years, friends forgotten between the lines of gossip, acquaintances left behind. Memories… of all things good and all things painful.

There’s a shoe box under my bed.

Though it seems to be quite old, it is definitely not the one I started with. Over the years, the box kept changing and the memories inside; kept growing! Never thrown, never replaced… they just grew. Carted from one home to another… Sometimes kept under lock and key to escape prying eyes and sometimes displayed on my desk with aplomb.

There’s a shoe box under my bed.

Covered in dust, it patiently awaits to be held once again. To be cleaned while I ruffle through the contents one more time. Sifting through the letters dad wrote to me in my first year away from home, the recipes I scribbled while talking to mom over the phone, the “legal” documents and agreements my brother and I signed to decide the video game playing times, the chits I passed during mind numbing lectures, the first valentine card i received anonymously, the photos of my first crush with the head torn off, the print outs of the first message my true love sent me, the plane tickets from when I flew down for my marriage, the broken shard of my favorite mug which I threw in a fit of rage… the list doesn’t end.

There’s a shoe box under my bed.

It hold many things. Each of them has a different story to tell. Each of them takes me back to relive a different memory. Each of them has led me here… had made me who I am… has been my companion…

Each of them reminds of something happy, sad, exciting and even painful… There’s a shoe box under my bed and it has a life of its own.

I wonder…

The room now feels small to me

The nooks and corners overflow with emotions unexpressed

The air feels heavier with the words unspoken

The sunshine streaming has a weird faded quality…

My room now feels smaller and cluttered.

 

A marriage is made up of as much togetherness as individual space. But where does one draw the line. Who speaks up and indicates that the personal spaces have started encroaching on the togetherness. What do you do when you realize that the meaningful silences have stopped speaking to you? Something within dies when words have to be weighed before they are conveyed. The moment you hesitate before sharing your feelings, is the moment when the magic dies.

What do you do when the air feels heavier with sighs of words unspoken and emotions unexpressed? What defines togetherness when personal spaces are all that remains?

The room now feels suffocating

The sighs grow deeper and start echoing in the empty space

The open spaces now start choking you

The air feels too menacing and treacherous to breathe in…

The room now feels like enemy territory

I will not be nice!

Don’t talk to me…

Don’t even try… I will not reply.

Not cause I am depressed or sad. Cause I am simply disappointed. You aren’t that special to hurt me or make me cry. I am disappointed in your indifference towards hard work and sincerity. I am angry cause I thought you appreciated my work.

But now that I know you don’t really care, I will stop caring too. I will not be nice anymore. I will not treat this as my priority any more, cause I’m not your priority. I will never ignore my loved ones just so that I can work like an ass and fill your pockets.

I am enraged cause I actually believed that hard work works better than boot licking. But since that is all you care for and something that I will never ever do, its time to say goodbye to ethics and dedication.

If I don’t deserve what you happily ignored to give me, I don’t think you deserve my contribution. Like the other, I shall now pretend and feign my sincerity. Like others I will now pretend that you are god. Cause somehow ego boosting is now the new job profile.

I will not be nice anymore, cause none of you exist OR matter in my universe. My universe is filled with beautiful people who love me inspite of my flaws. People who appreciate and treasure my dedication and hard work. People who mean to me much more than you!!!

I will not be nice to you anymore, cause from this day forth… you do not exist for me anymore!!!

Am I really ready for this world ?

It is dark everywhere I look. This is the one time when god forgot to open the alternate door. Is he trying to teach me the depth of evil that resides in every inch of this darkness or is this just another of his challenges to see if my existence is worth the trouble or is it just yet another level of the devious game he plays for his personal enjoyment.

I have encountered bad… even torturous, but this is probably the first time I have tried to match wits with evil and lost. I lost not because I don’t have conviction or the strength… I lost cause you need a very special kind of evil force within to face this.

The whole Good Vs Evil where good always triumphs or truth take the trophy home is a myth in today’s day and age. It is a faraway legend kept alive through flimsy fairy tales we use to pacify innocent kids with. The world circumvents the one with the money and power. There is no right or wrong anymore, just the weak and the bully.

I felt proud and quite arrogant when someone said I was honest and straightforward… that I was pure at heart and didn’t know how to play dirty mind/political games.

I was a moron! The need of the hour is not a MBA degree or a work ethic par excellence. You don’t need to be sincere, hardworking or even disciplined. My parents are ashamed too. All they could ever give me are principles… a keen sense of right and wrong and the strength to be honest at all times… however difficult it is.

I blame them for not teaching me how to just pretend to be sincere instead of wasting time and energy in actually being so…. They forgot to teach me how to play political games to move ahead in life. They never taught me the basics of the game “manipulation”!!! how to calculate every step I take and every acquaintance I make. How to  be shrewd and cunning towards everyone…. even your closest friends!

I was taught to be trustworthy and trusting towards everyone I meet. To believe in the goodness that apparently resides in every person. To believe that karma exists and that we all are eventually… what we do!!! What I forgot to learn is how to judge a person. How to recognize the scent of a rotten soul. How to bully others to get my way… and how to torture everyone even if I am a total nincompoop! AND most importantly… How to always… always…. Always be selfish…

I think it is high time when we have board games for “manipulation”. When schools finally introduce the texts of “Being Shrewd for dummies 101” and “Pretending to be sincere” for students. When B schools have simulation games for political game playing in the corporate world rather than markstrat.

Cause for morons like me, such ingenious traits don’t come naturally. We have to memorize the rules and the plays… not to win or to climb the corporate ladder’s rung…. But … to…. Just…. Survive!!!

 

 

Disclaimer : This post is a random musing and needs to be interpreted as PURE CREATIVE WRITING. It is my personal “FEELING” with absolutely no bearing to any person/place/incident. Kindly treat it exactly as it is… a piece of creative writing!

This Valentine…

Romantic at heart and a sucker for dramatic gestures in life, I have always managed to bully, .threaten or blackmail friends/family into buying me gifts on valentine day. For my beloved, I have always put in a lot of thought in buying a gift. This year as the day slowly creeps up on us amidst a thousand other commitments and plans, I wonder why we do it? I know I shouldn’t be asking this question since I usually freak out and sulk for days when he doesn’t buy me a gift… but on a serious note… don’t you think it a pressure point on every happy relationship?

Let’s review our year… he bought me pretty dresses for a zillion balls and parties I was planning to attend. I bought him the watches he always loved. We pooled in to buy our very own DSLR. He keeps buying me books which I love and I usually end up buying him cards or pens whenever I can. We have never really needed a hook to hang our love on for the other to view and feel good. And somehow after marriage it has become all the more, a way of life… Some people might want to argue that it is that one special day when you would want to make each other feel special… but don’t we already do it every day of our lives? The tiny efforts… the subtle actions… the sudden surprises… all make us both feel special and needed.

So this valentine, there will be no overt declarations of love,

No cookies and chocolates tied up neatly with a red ribbon.

There won’t be candles illuminating the room,

And there will be no special dinners planned.

Cards won’t be bought and filled with heartfelt lines to try and prove our love,

Nor will poor teddies be crushed by hugs.

 

This valentine won’t be the only day when we make each other feel special

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This valentine the realization of our love will take priority

The countless silences full of emotions will be shared like any other day

The hugs will remain as fierce as the day before

The accidental and intentional touches will remain as innocent as yesterday

 

Our love will continue to grow

Our promise to be there, will remain

Our hopes will still be entangled

Our dreams will still be dreamt together.

 

The surprises will keep coming

The chocolates bought together will be special as ever

The same lamps would again be lit

The dinner will be of the same dishes we have enjoyed over the years

And our love will continue to grow as any other day of our togetherness.

 

This valentine, we shall be exactly how we have been ever since we have been together…

I will not be nice…

I am not going to be funny or clever right now cause I am really depressed. It’s not the people who depress me, its their double standards in life. It’s the way simple and easy things are made complicated for no good reason at all… I am not going to be nice to people cause nobody really returns the favor ever. They are mean and selfish and don’t mind hurting others for their own comfort.

I am not going to be all nice and happy cause I have found out I can trust no one. In today’s time it doesn’t take more than a fraction of a second to turn one’s back on others. You either get pummeled by people or take a shot at it yourself. I am not going to trust people cause that path leads to nothing but a dead end.

I am not going to worry myself to death with problems others face cause they won’t do it for me either. When I fall, I need to learn how to get back up on my own cause everybody else will be too busy trampling me further down. I thought it was a good quality to have empathy, to fight for the ones who are too scared or shy to do much… but I have been proven wrong time and again. If they are not fighting, it only means that they don’t deserve a fight…

I am not going to be sincere and adhere to rules cause it really doesn’t matter. At the end of the day you would be put in the “General” bracket with everyone else. Rules will be made to keep the stray ones in and it will end up bothering you the most… you will be treated and considered as one of the many faces in the crowd no matter how differently you behave.

I wish this mistrust would vanish, I wish this callous feeling that is creeping into my heart finds a quick exit, I wish this heavy heart and the silent gaze returns to the darker side so that I feel normal… but things do not happen my way…

I am pushed to behave this way… I am forced to become one of them… callous, non-caring, selfish… I do not like it… but I would rather be selfish than be beaten down due to my selflessness.

I don’t miss you…

Dearest Tank… you have defined life and love for me. Here’s to your awesomeness…

I don’t miss our conversations

What I miss are those silences between us… pregnant with emotions

I don’t miss the jokes

What I miss is the laugh after we suddenly say the same thing at the same time

I don’t miss crying on your shoulders

What I miss are the arms around filled with the promise of holding on till the end of time

I don’t miss your smile

What I miss is the look on your face when you are trying to make me laugh

I don’t miss you all the time… only when my heart needs to beat.

Shadows of Past

Aditi started as the bedroom window suddenly banged shut. It was almost as if the wind was asking… no… begging her not to proceed, but Aditi did not heed. She turned, took a few deep breaths to calm her jangling nerves and returned to the task at hand. She didn’t know it then but this sound would always make her stomach knot with fear and somehow she will never understand why.

It is a well know fact that when two people get together… marry, they do forge their lives together but there’s always a baggage that they carry. A baggage that is better left alone. Aditi knew about Rishab’s ex and had pretty much managed to retrieve as much information as she could… it was not that she was jealous or insecure. But the thought that he had loved someone else before her made her heart ache so bad that she was convinced it was broken. It was not as if he wasn’t there for her… but the thought that he was this lovable and cute with someone else made her sigh as she thought about it. Rishab, was not just sensible but also sensitive about this sore point between them. He made sure that he removed every tiny presence of his ex from his life. He knew how these little, inconsequential, things worried Aditi, although he never understood why. He was more practical in that sense.

So when Aditi found the old and tattered shoebox at the back of Rishab’s cupboard that afternoon, she couldn’t resist herself. She initially sat on the edge of their bed, with the box clutched tightly in her delicate hands. She knew that if this box held what she detested the most, it will hurt her. But she also knew that her curiosity would kill her if she didn’t open it… as she sat contemplating her next move, the window suddenly banged shut. She wasn’t sure whether it was the sudden scare, or her consciousness which made the decision for her. But she put the box back in its place and managed to walk away. She knew that Rishab will know something’s wrong…she was never good at hiding her true feelings from him.

The hours ticked by and soon it was time for Rishab to be home. She was anxious and did not know how to compose herself. Time and again she found her thoughts returning to the old shoe box. What did it hold… were there pictures? Or letters? Keep sakes? Why would he keep them… why did he hide them? Was he still in love with her? Does he still keep in touch with her? Was he having an affair… She knew she had to stop the train of her thoughts before it ruined the lovely life they had built together. But she also wanted to know what that box held… torn between the two thoughts she could not think straight.

The moment Rishab entered his house, he sensed the change in the air. Accustomed to Aditi’s mood swings by now, Rishab could sense that something had upset her terribly. Both of them knew in their hearts that the smile Aditi had plastered on her face wasn’t fooling either of them. On a whim Rishab decided to play along and pretended to believe that Aditi was fine. They bantered about their day… decided on dinner and all along an undercurrent of thoughts and emotions kept them company. The night dragged on and ended on a weird note. Aditi sobbed and sniffed herself to sleep while Rishab, tired from his hectic schedule fell asleep immediately immune to any sounds or sniffles that were thrown his way during the night.

After having slept over it, Aditi resolved to simply forget about it and carry on with her life. This was a shocking change for even herself. But she kept her resolve and in a few days was able to think of the box without any heartaches or melodrama… life resumed its sweet hum. At times she would allow herself a tiny smile while acknowledging the fact that she had grown over the silly insecurities. She knew that she was the only one for him. After all what he had with his ex was nothing but puppy love… this … the love between them was the true love people spoke about in fairy tales. While looking at Rishab from time to time, she often cursed the day that she doubted him and the contents of the box. She had convinced herself that it contained old bills and papers… after all some things from the past do need to be preserved… don’t they… it is quite natural.

Rishab glanced back at the door to make sure that he was alone… he then proceeded to pull the old tattered box towards him… as he tenderly lifted the cover… a plethora of emotions gushed over him. He felt guilty, euphoric, sad and aroused at the same time. As he fingered through the flimsy undergarment of his former lover… he could not help but feel that tiny pinch of sadness tugging at his heart. Just feeling the silk of the border and the net in between made him reminisce those drowsy afternoons they had spent together entangled in a mess of their passion and sweat. True, he had never contacted her after his marriage but he couldn’t stop himself from missing her. As he slowly retuned the box to the shadows of his past, he convinced himself that this wasn’t cheating. He loved Aditi no matter what… but first love… happens just once in a lifetime… doesn’t it… and to hold on to it, is natural.

A tired Soul…

I walk with my head down. I avoid looking at people. I look at their feet and determine my next step. This way I don’t have to look at their faces, this way I will not have to look at their souls through their eyes.
I walk with my eyes on the road instead. This way I don’t have to pretend I don’t see them, I literally do not SEE them. I don’t have to look around to avoid their gaze, I really wouldn’t see it.
I walk with my eyes bowed down, not with shame, not with guilt but with the sole purpose of remaining calm. I know when I catch them staring at me, when I find them eyeing me, when I find the lust and eagerness in their stares, I will get angry… I will find my heart throbbing harder with hatred. I know I will curse them. I walk this way to save myself from the stress of all this, I walk this way to stop myself from polluting my mind with thoughts of scratching their eyes out. I walk this way for not mine but their protection.
I walk with my head down to avoid confrontations. I hate looking up and finding myself objectified. I hate scowling at them to make sure they know how I feel… but nothing helps. They never look at my face anyway. They will never understand my pain. They will forever feel superior and look like they always do.
I walk with my soul trodden beneath my footsteps. I am tired. I don’t feel like I have given up yet but I definitely need a break. Having tried everything starting from abuses to screams… I need to think of a better way out. Or maybe there really isn’t any…
I walk with my mind concentrating on the road. i don’t look up at the world anymore. It has ceased to be the beautiful place I once knew. Did I change? Not really. I still wear what I wore, and I still do what I always did… but the world has somehow changed. Maybe its only this place, or maybe it is every single place everywhere…

Sunshine… on my window…

I recently read someone’s post on her blog and realised that most of the people I personally know are all nocturnal. A skill that I haven’t been able to develop in spite of being in MICA, for two years. It’s not just MICA… even in my engineering days I remember how I have had every single breakfast in the hostel mess… a record I managed to maintain even in my B-school. I am a totally morning-sunshine’s-my-best-friend kinda person. Till date the latest I have managed to be in bed without being under anaesthesia is probably till 6:30 am. I take afternoon naps only if I am sooper tired (or dying)… and after 11 pm something just switches off in my system… I will look at you… but will not be able to see you… I shall also put on my best attentive look but trust me… I have no idea what you saying. It goes without saying that I am not really a party person… oh I can dance… a lot… but not beyond say 1 am… ( this extension only cause of dancing).

I have been lucky to find a soul mate who’s the same… we enjoy our mornings… feel irritated if we don’t start the day by 7. At my place by 10 am we are all done with the chores and ready for the day. Although he still can pull all-nighters while watching a movie or studying, I can’t. It’s something my dad instilled in me…. (won’t include my brother cause he is the exact opposite of me in this respect). I was taught to sleep by 10 and wake up by 4:30 to finish studying. It always worked. Even now as I wake up by 5 and start my household chores ( I don’t have a help at home), I don’t feel lazy or drowsy… I reach work by 8:30 and by nine I am ready to start the day. I have my daily to-do lists… which I diligently follow and manage to finish. I also very religiously leave by 6, unless of course there’s a client call from a different time zone.

I remember the days in MICA when I used to meet classmates in the mess at breakfast time and they used to inform me that they hadn’t been to bed yet… it really seems unnatural to me. I did miss out on a lot of fun during those days but I love being a morning person… being up in a comparatively peaceful time when you can actually hear your thoughts and be yourself. For me being a morning person is who I am… I am grumpier at night and much calmer in the mornings. I like waking up with enough time in the world to just sit and read a book… I like being up early enough to watch the sky change its colour… I like being up early just so that I can finish all my oending jobs… Being up at night might have its own charms… but I shall never stop being a Morning person…
So long.

Just a stare…

It is not like I haven’t been stared at before. Being stared at was probably the first thing that I got used to.  Maybe it is the lifelong PMS that I have recently invented (for all my foul mood swings) or maybe it is cause I suddenly have had enough or maybe it is due to the recent molestations and public hue and cry that was raised on several occasion…but I seem to have developed an almost physical hatred towards guys who stare at girls. After years of self control and understanding of the poor sap’s totally messed up mind, I had learnt to accept that only disturbed people tend to pass on lecherous glances and it is almost like a disease. So I used to ignore it and move on… even though their stare would grate against my skin and make a horrible noise in my head, like your nails on the blackboard, though all I wanted to do was turn around and slap the pervert… I had learnt to keep my cool… learnt to believe and pretend that no one was really staring at me and even if they were… who cares…

Off late I find this control slipping away… what is scary is not the ready stream of abuses that fly out of my mouth but the way I find myself almost lounging at the guy wanting to tear off his hair and pull his eyes out. I am not a violent person… barring the attempts to practice choke slams on my younger brother, and of course biting and scratching him (in an all feminine attempt to take revenge on him for using my pen), I have rarely displayed any such tendencies… pinching and playfully swatting one’s head is NOT violence. But these days, my blood literally boils. I stare back, abuse on face and say all kinds of nonsense to anybody staring…

One of my favourite professors mentioned a very important point in the ‘gender equality” forum. As all the feminists of my class were falling over each other trying to prove how oh-so-awesome we are… (of course I am a feminist, but I don’t shout it out… I prove it ;)), this professor very calmly replies, “all your arguments aside, I still hold a lot of power in this equation.” Before anyone could reply, he continued, pointing to a girl in the first row, “ I have so much power over her… and I don’t even need to touch her. I can stare at her, make her feel uncomfortable, undress her with my eyes… and she won’t be able to do a thing. She can shout and abuse all she wants, but I will still make her helpless… with just… my… eyes!!!” That somehow is so true. We fight throughout our lives against all kinds of biases but at the end it does come down to this…

What is more frustrating is how we are parented. Girls are educated in what the society terms as feminine graces, which is nothing but the “training” that the society has laid down for us. We are told how we should never sit without crossing our legs… how we should never laugh too loudly…. How we should always learn every household chore… if you are a boy… do you remember your parents teaching you how to respect woman? How not to objectify them? Did they ever try explaining how “she” was just another human worthy of every bit of space on earth as you? Did you too get your lessons which would turn you into a “catch” for the ladies? Did your training involve chivalry? Did you learn how not to stare or lech?

 

Ps : I won’t apologise for this outburst, but would like to inform my friends that I’m all fine … and it was some minor incident that sparked off that whole rant… 

Matters of religion…

Disclaimer : This post has nothing to do with world religion or politics. These are a few thoughts that meander into my mind when I have absolutely nothing to do… nothing to read… nothing to worry about. Please do not take these out of context or judge me. If you do want to do so, please get lost 😛

Being brought up in a very secular household I was introduced to every single god that people worship. I remember watching ma light a candle for Jesus on the same shelf as the incense that she would have lit for ma Durga. I grew up believing that I had an equal right to worship the plaque engraved with mohammed’s name as I could worship Lord Krishna . Though we are hindus, I was never restricted to just temples. In fact I still love visiting churches more than temples. I have been to gurudwaras, masjids and even fire temples whenever possible.

I personally am not religious… at all. Its only during exams that I remember to plead to my gods, I say gods cause even now I pray to all. During eid I never forget bullying my muslim friends into buying me a gift and exchanging gifts on Christmas comes as naturally to our family as lighting diyas on Diwali. My contact with religion is very limited and mostly forced by someone in the family or friends. I have a statue of lord ganesha on my work table cause ma believes it will bring me luck. Every time I leave home I say a small mantra cause my hubby thinks it will keep me safe. Every pooja I wear new clothes cause my own and extended family believes it is auspicious. My mother in law lights a candle for me everytime I am in need of blessings and a little help from above.

The best part is I get to be myself without surrendering myself completely to any religion. I somehow believe that religion should be more like a buffet lunch than an a la carte meal. Everything of every religion should be introduced to us so that we can pick and choose what we like and what we believe in. It should be an option rather than being mandatory.

I know it is more of a wishful thinking but… who knows… maybe… someday…

I totally loved this post, I think I’m a cryer… What do you think???

Dianne Gray author

Am I obsessed with characters? Probably. Sometimes I take people’s idiosyncrasies and add them into my characters. I never make a character from one person because no one person has all the traits I need.

There are different character types and I’ll put a few examples of the some of the people I’ve met in my life into the list below – if you know me and recognise yourself on the list, please feel free to blame my mother (everyone else does).

The ‘Selective Elephant’– They say elephants never forget. The ‘Selective Elephant’ never forgets a particular incident or something you said or did fifty years ago. Every time you meet them or they introduce you to someone they mention it. The thing you said or did becomes who you are, regardless of what you have done or said ever since that time.

The ‘Topper’
Me: I caught…

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The Sound of Music

I was in 8th standard, so roughly 13 years of age, when I first saw “The sound of music”. For me it wasn’t the first English movie but it was definitely the first one with music in it. Something about the movie really touched my heart, even my soul I think. So from then on every time I felt blue, I sang “Raindrops of roses”, happiness would be accompanied by a soft murmuring of the song “High on the hill” and Every night I would lull myself to sleep with the beautiful words of “Goodbye”. “Do-re-mi” would usually be reserved for the time when I wanted to show off for my friends or family.

The songs which didn’t make much sense till a little later were “I am seventeen…” and “Edelweiss”. This is mostly cause I never realised the love story part of the movie till probably I saw it again during my College years. I never grasped the whole romantic part of a nun falling in love with an guy. For me the movie was about the pranks the kids played on their nannies, the way things fell into place with the arrival of Julie Andrews and mostly about the way their lives were so governed by music. I often found myself praying that even I had a life just like that where in I could burst into a dance and a song with synchronised back up dancers at every point of my life. Every time I would be walking alone, I would have a skip in my step hoping that I could twirl a little, twist a little…

Hmmm…. Simple joys of life I guess…

Watching this movie still makes me feel like a little girl…

If you have seen it, you know exactly what I am talking about… and if you haven’t, please do see it.

Psssssttt : my dream ??? To act in the play some day 🙂

So long!!!

I miss you…

It’s been quite a while since you spoke to me. I have started wondering whether you really need me around anymore… I was also a little hurt; after all I was with you for so long before you decided to ditch me for him. I am not saying that he isn’t a good guy. He’s quite the catch and definitely the best among all the others you have ever known. Also, I was the one who helped you take the decision, who nudged you over the edge when you didn’t know what to do… I was the one who convinced you to go ahead with him. So trust me I am not against him.

You might think I am a little jealous… and maybe I am… I, after all, have been your inner voice for so long. Remember those conversations we used to have during dark lonely nights. The times when I was the only one you would turn to for any kind of answers or guidance? I was there when you wanted to know why that guy turned you down. I helped you figure out your feelings when you had no name for them. During those happy times when you wondered whether you deserved the happiness, I was there to assure you. During all those years, I was the only one you kept coming back to…

I don’t miss the guidance I used to you; I trust he’s doing any excellent job. What I miss are those conversations. The ones where you just spoke to me, with complete abandon, never holding back anything. The ones that brought us closer and completed us. The ones which proved that we had the same soul. The ones which  were so surreal that I often wondered if anybody could ever have such a relation with you.

I am not jealous of his role in your life, a little hurt that you have forsaken me. A little surprised by the fact that you can carry on so well without me, a little sad to have lost a friend and just amazed at your total lack of consideration….

– Love

Your conscience

A Lonely Cry

I’m leaving you…

What would u think if I said so… ever? Would you think I was kidding or would you panic? Would you just remain passive and shrug your shoulders or would you immediately gather me in your arms to prevent me from doing so… would you just let me and move on or would you take a step back and think about it. Would you really…care???
                Will you look back on all the small things you missed? All the occasions you overlooked my hints? Would you try and make things right or would you just tell me that its all time and place and things would be fine soon? Would you  try to change and understand what I am trying to say? Would you even … care???


I don’t like being taken for granted. It is not a very loved feeling . I want to be loved… crazily… I want someone to pine for me so much that it hurts. I want someone to be completely lost without me. I want someone to miss me so much that it becomes difficult for him to breathe. I want to feel like the centre of someone’s world. I don’t want to be a lousy second. I want to be yearned for…

So long…

A beautiful day!!!

I love smiling… not because I look pretty but cause I spent 15000 INR on getting my dental structure straightened. I know that’s a silly reason but all the same, it works for me. Fine!!! I shall accept that I was merely kidding ( but the smile is worth the 15 k I spent). Today morning as I shouted out a big hello to my staff, they asked me why was I so happy… I told them there wasn’t anything to be unhappy about. On a very drab day of my life, someone once asked me how was my day so far. When I said it was dull, boring and steering very close to being outright pathetic, the person asked me to think of anything, however small, that had happened since morning that made me smile. I racked my brains and started jotting down. To my surprise I realized even the slight breeze when I left my home had made me feel good, the ride in dad’s car( which I take pretty much everyday) also made me happy considering I got to meet dad (yup, I am a total daddy’s girl). Although 90% of my list was covered with my sweetheart doing or saying something sweet for me, it made me realize I was overlooking the little joys in life by straining my neck to look at the so called big picture.
                Since my days haven’t started being all that good and rosy yet, I have decided to take it in my stride and look at the small things that make me happy in life. Today at 6, we met up with my parents at the temple for a small puja for my new two wheeler baby. The weather’s awesome. I managed to finish another book in between breakfast and have finally started on my first book by Gurcharan Das. Really looking forward to it.
Have a beautiful day,

So long…

Why me????

If… And that is a BIG IF… I was in a better mood (than I am in right now) those two words would have made me chide myself for being so petty…. And the same question would have made me break into the soulful melody by Shaggy , if I was in a "good" mood!!!
The ultra horrible geumpy mood that I am in right now… Leads me to repeat the question… Turn it over and over in my mind… Keep in dangled in mid air… And fret over it CONTINUOSLY!!!
Why???? Well I have sufficient reason for cribbing… I have literally been 'Ms Goody Two Shoes' aaaaaalllllll my life. I was always punctual, never ever broke any rules, ranked amongst top three in class throughout school, never partied and stayed out late, was sincere and perseverent in every task I took up… College saw me in the same way, no boyfriends, no partying, no smoking or drinking… My first job appraisal mentioned me as hard working and committed. All through… I have never hurt anyone, or spoken/wished anyone ill, never lied to harm, never ever done anything wrong knowingly… And all this boils down to the question- why me????

Why do I have so so so many struggles to go through… I just can't catch a break… In school I had to struggle with the fact that I never had any friends… Then it was my being the odd one since I had no vices… Then it was one mean boss after the other!!! Right now I have no future to look forward to… All I see is my life fading into obscurity….
I look around and I see people get the choiciest of stuff handed out to them on silver plates without even asking and I wonder… And I also question the grand plan that god has prepared for me…
If I was a little bit happier… I might have taken these struggles to be learning experiences… But right now… The glass is definitely half empty.. What the hell… It s completely empty from where I stand….
Sent from my Nokia phone

As I bid you Adieu…

Will I miss you?
I don’t … think so
You have been nothing but mean to me
My memories of you are filled with your cruelty
The marks your scathing words made, are still red
And the pain still gnawing at my soul
Will I miss our talks?
I sure won’t…
I’m not a cry baby
But every single time you uttered words
You have degraded and treated me bad
I never cried ‘cause I was hurt
but ‘cause I could never imagine someone as disgusting as you…
Will I think of you ever?
I believe not…
When I finally get you out of the picture
I shall not have a problem forgetting you
Your non existence in my world
Would only be amplified and more obvious
Will your absence make me sad?
Definitely not…
Your presence always stuck out as a sore thumb
In my peaceful and satisfactory life
Your absence will be welcomed
And treated as nothing but a boon
Will I ever thank you?
Of course… at every single step of my life…
You taught me what really hurts people
You made me realise how one can be humiliated and demoralized
You gave me lessons in how to make people feel insignificant
You also gave me the direction towards probably a “Rich” but definitely a lonely LIFE
For all these lessons I will thank you…
And every time I do something to cancel out what you taught me…
There will a smile… for every tear I’ve shed…

Random…

A breath hangs in the silent overtures

Of the song which the breeze whistles through my hair

Mind seems to wander in the darkness

With a silent hope strewn across the void around

If there was any time in my life where I felt completely out of control, this would be it. Its weird, I had figured that with all the twists and turns of last year, i had pretty much paid all my dues and could start afresh with this year… but i guess i just can’t catch a break…

A silent prayer escapes my lips

Heavens smile and accept with grace

As he leaves his earthly abode

Let him be happy and safe

Times of chaos, of gloomy sighs

Times of joy and amidst all glory

We’ll think of you

And always miss you….

My uncle was a man of few words. An enigmatic smile full of reassurance and confidence had become synonymous to his presence amongst us. There were times when we cousins would create hell on earth and there he would be sitting quietly in his own world and still attentive to our every need. I was his favorite and there was never a single time when he did not take my side.

Its strange to even imagine that he’s no more amidst us today. His absence has surely left a big hole which can never be filled. A genuine human with a big heart, moshai, as we fondly called him, was a gem of a guy. May his soul rest in peace. Love you so much….

Always with them…

I remain an elusive dream for many and a land conquered for some. Life doesn’t prove to be good enough, and so they come to me. They cry at times, just not for the ones who pay, but to let out their inner sorrow. They pretend to pretend and let everyone in their secret without shame, because they have me as their cover. At times they laugh with sadness oozing out of their eyes. They do it without batting an eyelid. And I still stand by, supporting them, making them look real to everyone else.

Then there are times when I hear them scream, it still keeps me awake at night. The best ones among them scare me, fool me into thinking they feel the pain within them, that they’re lost and CAN’T. LIVE. ANYMORE!!! But I can always point out a fake… The ones who just let the screams rip out of their vocal chords without their heart in it. They are the ones who I personally find disgusting. They make my insides grow colder with distaste.
Every now and then, I hear a new one. I can feel their anxiety thundering within me, I can smell their fear even in my cold grave. They stumble at times, fumble with words… and then I help them. I lend them a hand to hold on, a patient ear to listen to million repetitions of their story, and also my kind words in the depth of night when they’re alone with me.

You might wonder, why do I help them, since I find them so fake, so pathetic at times…I do it for selfish reasons… after all I need them to make me feel powerful. I need them to live my life without boundaries. I need their life, their commitment and their desire, dreams and hopes. I thrive on their lives. So, I push them further each time, throw challenges to make them stronger… and then before they know it I devour them. Suck their happiness and leave them bereft of whatever assets they had come to me with.

But no… you cannot blame just me, most of the ones I devour, are ready to sacrifice themselves. The moment they meet me and feel the magic, they end up wanting more… and more! Everything around them leads them closer to me. They come to me willingly… and we both make history before they fade away… leaving me alone to conquer more and rule them all…

I am after all… the STAGE!!!

Always with me…

It was dark all the around the first time I met him. He seemed cold and distant. I felt unwanted, but I stuck around. And then there was this light… the moment it shone on me, all but me and him faded into the darkness. I spoke, barely audible at first… picked up a little courage and spoke again, loud and clear. My voice echoed back bringing with it his approval. And that is exactly when it happened…
I stepped into a whole new world. one with just me and him. The sky was blue as the ocean and the air crisp. I felt him embrace me and guide me forward… As I stood there shouting my heart out, I realized for the first time… I had fallen in love. Head over heels… with this gorgeous being who made life magical…

Every time I pretended to pretend, I could feel his distaste pricking me at the back of my neck. Every time I screamed with every bit of my pain, I heard his applause. I fell in love with him every time we met. Whether I cried or laughed, sang or danced, it was sheer love that I felt running through my veins. And though he was silent throughout, I could feel his emotions too… I could feel the loving caress when I lay on him, the silent applause when I said something brilliant and the careful words when I was alone with him in the depth of the night.

Years went by, I was mesmerized. Left home, left family… even forgot friends… but I was happy ’cause I was with him. Every challenge he threw at me, I grew stronger. I shared my life with him along with my dreams, hopes and desires. I made a commitment to him. I happily sacrificed everything I had… for HIM!!!

Why… you ask me??? Because like every couple in love… I was nothing without him. He was my reason to live, the sole aim in life and just the one goal I wished to attain… He made me what I am… He sculpted me part by part… He struggled alongside to make me achieve my dreams. To give him my life which he built was the smallest thing I could do for him… and so I did… I gave him my life… my talent and every asset I had possessed when I had met him for the first time… Because it is only with him that I made history… and now with as my final breath ends… I fade away… leaving him all alone to face the world…

After all… I am just the ACTOR!!!

What if you knew it was the last day on this earth?

would you call up your first crush to let him know how you felt about him? Or would you eat the most exotic dish at the most expensive restaurant? Maybe you would want to just to sit amidst your family and steal a few precious memories and relive a few others.

What would you really do? or want to do? if only knew it was your last chance… the very last!

I patiently wait!

As another day fades away,
and darkness seeps in,
I lie awake,
waiting for sleep to wash over me…
I patiently wait
for the silence to lull me and help me drift away.

As the pain gets unbrearable,
I wait …
for the numbness and nausea to get to me,
to help me forget the pain itself…
I patiently wait
for the hurt to lull me and help me drift away.

As life once again hits a dead end,
I hope,
for the dejection and failure to overcome my spirits
and make me insensitive to my surroundings,
I patiently wait
for the misery to lull me and help me drift away.

As the minutes tick by,
I realise,
that just like every other night..
there won’t be any peace tonight,
I still wait patiently,
for time to lull me and help me drift away….
to some place far far away……..

Solitude…. the need for it!

What makes ppl want to be alone…. what makes them to become a recluse even when they have so many well wishers around…. what makes them give up on people who really care, and hide…. what drives them to treasure and cherish their life and space so much that they become selfish and even cold… what makes them run away from the very things and people that they love…

I too have been through that phase of my life when I guarded my solitude ferociously and was too proud to have ppl around.. I felt the need and the desire to be alone….I used to read… dream…. write a lot… maybe even talk to myself.. ( no ppl its not crazy.. trust me it works). I had almost a neon sign hanging over my head which read “ get lost” in bright flashy colours every time someone tried to get close…. Tired of being hurt so many times.. I thought recluse had to be the solution. The solution to escape from disappointment, heart break and probably everything bad that was happening with me…. I imagined the whole world up in arms against me.. trying to hurt me.. break me.. ruin me! And so I retreated , in a dark cave.. called solitude.

It helped.. I had more time to think abt what I wanted to do with my life.. abt how I needed to make certain changes in my life.. abt who I was.. and who I wanted to become…I took up the hobbies I had left off.. concentrated more on my career… realised how much I was lagging in my personal life… and really felt good abt myself after a long time…. It helped.. it made me see and realise things I had to.. on my own… I was able to set my life back on track… felt pampered and cared for… felt…”special” to my self…whoever said that it was possible to be feel completely loved by one’s own self, was so correct!

And now when I have re entered civilisation.. I feel rejuvenated. Its like everything’s new.. and happy and bright…. the world becomes a really wonderful place to live in once u feel good abt urself. Trust me , next time u feel dejected and hurt by the world… take some time out to be alone.. and pamper urself….get to know urself better. Rediscover the things u found pretty, the ones u wanted to do, the ones you loved watching, the ones that made u laugh….. and you’ll start noticing a refreshing change in the world around u.

So, recently when one of my friends started acting weird… I felt hurt and really depressed. But this person being of that distant sorts… was almost expected to react this way when I tried getting up and personal with him. Probably even calling him a friend was.. a bit too much of hopefulness on my part. Anyways when he finally told me how he wanted to be alone and stuff.. I hated it… But after thinking abt it. It felt so right… once I knew he planned to get back to his life.. and hobbies.. I almost smiled…. hehehe to think I was furious when I myself had done the same thing a few months back…. well that’s when I felt he was right to get his life back… I really wish him all the best : )

And to all my friends who have been hurt during that phase of my life.. I’m sorry folks! Didn’t mean it.. was just being a li’l selfish to help myself get back into the game.. this really strange and tough game.. called “life”!!!

Hope

We parted too soon,
Maybe there wasn’t enough love,
Or maybe love’s just not enough….
But there is still hope…

Yes, he’s with her,
Yes he’s happy,
And yes he even loves her…
But there is still hope…

There was no cry,
No wail or thrashing of arms,
Those tiny eyes didn’t flicker…
But there is still hope…

She held them close,
Watched them grow,
They did leave her out here …
But there is still hope…

He saw him fall,
Helped him get over it,
He watched him get lost again…
But there is still hope…

I loved once,
Loved with everything I had,
Lost terribly, with a heart too broken,
But there IS still hope!!!

Hope… a single emotion which literally makes the world go round! The hope of a brighter tomorrow, of a future that’s filled with joys, of a life without failures, of everything turning out just fine in the end… of a Road that never has a dead end!
For ages now the entire human race has survived on this very emotion. What is hope? Is it the simple belief that one has about one’s love returning back.. or is it that the strong conviction of a mother about the health of her child during the delivery of a premature baby? Maybe its the faith of a parent who still believes in his children after life has failed them repeatedly… it could even be that tiny flicker of trust that the children who kicked out a parent will take them back someday…

It is hope that keeps a dying man alive, a broken heart strong enough to love again. We begin each and every day of our lives with a hope that it would be different from the last one.. more fruitful and happier…. every day many of our hopes are burnt to ashes and blown away.. but still we HOPE.. thats us .. humans…. and without this very strong conviction of better things around the corner, we might not last long. It is that tiny feeling that can turn the world around. Somebody once said ” a tiny flutter of a butterfly’s wings can cause a typhoon across the half of the world.” And that very tiny flutter is what hope is….

I too hope…
That I’ll be able to live again

Feel the sun on my arms…
Feel the rain drops on the palm of my hand,

Find solace in my own solitude,
Find reasons to smile through tears

Be able to laugh uncontrollably
Be able to bring out the child within,

Recognise people who care
Recognise the ones who’re not worth the pain.

Talk to myself and make sense,
Talk my heart out.

Listen to the birds chirp out greetings,
Listen to my heart without repenting

I see a huge crowd milling away while I stand glued to the very same spot…. the people around dissolve in blurs and patches of colours… I stand there feeling all alone.. hearing my own heart, but there’s hope, one day I’ll not be alone….and I’ll hear another heart beat along with mine… not simultaneously, but filling the gaps between mine.

I wonder…

I looked at him,
Trying to find a trace of something..
Something which resembled a li’l gloom…
Or maybe resentment…
But all i saw was just those sparkling eyes…
That gem of a smile ….

It was a li’l boy.. at this shop near my house.. about 8-10 years of age probably… and working hard to earn a living. I thought maybe he would be angry for having to work rather than play.. i thought maybe at some corner of his little heart he held a grudge for what he was going through… i thought.. and how wrong was i…. when i didn’t quite find what i was looking for and was adequately shocked to see what i never expected…. i thought maybe this is what he wants.. to earn and support himself and his family.. maybe he’s happy cause .. he likes this… i thought.. and once again how wrong was i….
Well i’ve never been a nosy person but that cute face intrigued me.. those pretty deep eyes moved me… and some tiny flicker of sorrow played peekaboo around the corners of his smile…and finally my curiosity got better of me… and i tried to find out what was it…

What i found out was…. well ,a pretty strange emotion for me.. a way of living i couldn’t even have imagined…. it was all very new to me… almost as if there existed an alien parallel to my world and way of living. How could i expect him to be sad when he never knew any other way of living, how would he be resentful if all he knew was this way…. there he was.. working away, with a smile, a soft crinkle passing his brow at times… when he didn’t understand a thing, immediately being replaced by those raised eyebrows to acknowledge a surprise or a nod to indicate understanding…… the facts, the history, the painful revellations all took a back seat when i looked at that innocent face, all eager to do whatever he was doing, with no qualms about life, or anxiousness to explore more.

Walking back i really wondered when will he finally be ready to face it all, when will he finally know what he missed.. will he then regret his fate? Will he carry a grudge throughout… or will he just accept it….. these are the times when i sincerely hope that fairy godmothers existed..

Raindrops on Roses…

Remember that lovely song from the movie “The Sound of Music”… it goes something like…”…raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens. bright copper kettle and warm woolen mittens…” and a lot of other stuff to end in”… then i simply remember my favorite things…….” wow… that was an awesome movie… it’s still my number one favorite… anyways coming back to the topic… I would simply like to list a few things I love…. “My favorite things …’ that I think of to feel happy 🙂

The dew drops on plants
The feel on walking barefoot in the dewy grass
The earthy smell just before the rain
The tranquil dusk
The hues the sky’s painted in just before sunset
Getting drenched in the rain
The atmosphere just before a storm… so unsettlingly calm… so alarmingly quiet…
Strong smell of hot coffee on a rainy day
My ma’s voice after a stressful day at work
Feeling a light breeze on a humid afternoon
That peaceful slumber in the afternoon
The amazingly cozy smell from ur loved one
Holding hands of someone dear
A light lingering kiss on the forehead before sleeping
The Red blossoms on a gulmohar tree
Embrace of a friend when u’re feeling low
Solitude…

And last but not the least… eating chocolate in a very messy manner and then licking it off my fingers 😉

a silent promise

rewind <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< to four years back when i first entered coll… as i was going through a few memories.. like my journals… cards.. chits which we used to pass in class.. slam books… diaries….. i realised we all were kids back then… oh no not physically… that way we all were .. what u would term adults…. fresh out of our teens.. just crossed over to the other side..or still going strong on our last teen and so very eager to cross over….
but mentally i’m sure most of us were kids… a time zone where we believed in things like friendship bands and shooting stars…things like bunking classes.. first shows of movies…. stolen glances…. first crushes…. those walks.. talks abt all kinda nonsense…. ice creams…then be arguing over which colour is in or fighting over the tiniest bit of chocolate…. we enjoyed everything…i remember those days when gettig wet in the rains or irritating lecturers used to be an adventure… when watching prohibited stuff and breaking rules was being rebellious….. when we swore on our friendships and promised to stick by thro thick and thin.. when we actually thought we could do anything to keep friendships….
over the four years at coll i saw a lot of changes.. in just not the building around but in the attitudes of ppl… changes in not only their outward appearances but also deep within their hearts…. their thinking….i don’t claim that i haven’t changed… i too have changed.. i’m not sure for the good or bad but i did change….
of course old habits die hard.. i sill trust ppl the first time i meet them.. i stil feel everybody’s sweet… and i still believe… feelings are to be expressed.

and now as we all are abt to step into an entire new world.. it kinda scares me…. will i still be able to maintain my friendships??? will i actually have the time to call up or mail my friends??? when i have new friends… will i forget my old ones???? when will i be able to meet them again????? god!!! lotsa questions.. no answers…. everybody says they’ll stay in touch and i tend to believe everybody does make an honest attempt to do so… but if life was that easy… we might not have been alive….:)
i’m not sure whether i’ll still be close to all those to whom i was close throughout the four years… but i’m sure of one thing… i’m gonna give it my best shot….
hope u all do try ur best to live up to ur friendships and other relations too… old or new…. trust me it pays..imagine a hectic day in ur professional life.. when u return home late.. all alone… all tired .. and u have a msg waiting for u on ur answering machine from a very old and good friend whom u’d lost all touch with…. imagine the sheer joy when u take a moment out of ur busy life schedules to just lean back into a chair and think abt the time spent with ur friends…
trust me guys… that one thing will be more relaxing than anything else…
so just promise to urself that u all will do ur best to keep in touch…

i call out loud
into the veil of darkness
only to hear my own voice,
echo back at me…

my senses turn numb,
as realisation hits me hard
i stand rooted to my place
as insecurity grips me tight…

lost without even my shadow
i blink back tears
while trying to gather my thoughts
and get a hold on my soul…

the bright world around
reduces to a tiny flicker
shining at an unreachable end
of the tunnel of my sorrow…

i grasp for a breath
try to stiffle my sob
choke on my words
and make a final effort

fighting my fears
i walk.. keep walking
my head feels light
as the flicker turns to flame…

i resist looking back
into the hazy past
but i reach the bright end
too late to make a fresh start

” life’s just not easy… and doesn’t always work !!!!”

dead end!!!

have u ever sat by the window on a rainy day …felt those tiny specks of water on ur arm and still felt as numb as under anasthesia??? have u ever listened to the birds chirp in the evening twilight but still not heard a sound???? have u ever thought of ur dearest one and felt a pain so sharp in ur heart that it would literally tear it apart??? have u ever felt like u ‘re dead…. but still heard ur own breathing???? have u felt ur blood gush through ur veins and not felt the pain when it came out????
its difficult but not impossible to imagine all this .. cause everybody goes through all this some time or the other… and the ones who somehow manage to gather all the foul luck available around.. go through it twice… in…. a very short time…..
the soul’s not into it anymore… things are diff…. its hard holdng on….it might sound weak… totally disgusting but… ending life seems to be the only way out at such times…. no of course not..nobody kills thmselves… they just like to think and ponder over it…..
but life goes on…. has to.. cause its just not ours to control or possess… its always somebody else’s…life’s not easy…. just doesn’t work out!!!!