Dear Dog Lovers…

I am terrified of dogs. Period.

When I say I’m scared and keep the dog away, I mean it LITERALLY! It is not a request for you to demonstrate how cuddly and harmless your dog is. People have different opinions, likes, dislikes, fears and joys in life, accept it and move on. Don’t accept it but pretend you do and then bitch about it behind my back, “Whatttttt? She is scared of this adorable little thing?”. By the way, your adorable little thing dog is huge and scary to me (Okay… I just heard it and it SO doesn’t sound right… so I’m gonna go back and edit it a little).

Almost every dog owner I meet seems to be on a mission to get people to like their dogs. Dude!!! I am not gonna… so quit it and move along. You don’t know me, you don’t know my past, so stop judging and giving me that oh-she’s-crazy-cause-she-doesn’t-like-dogs look. Maybe I have had a bad experience with them… and which is why I am terrified of even that tiny sausage dog who only wants to lick my ankle. Or maybe I’m allergic to them. Or maybe, and this is one of those ridiculous yet feasible ones, I just don’t Like them!!! (ok take that nasty look off your face dude…. It’s just a dog) (ooh…”just a dog”???). Or maybe I was just born this way (Haaa!!! Deal with that you Dogist-or-something-like-that!!!).

Alright, if it makes you feel better, I don’t like cats either (hey cat-loving people… chill, I shall defend my tastes and address your love for your feline friends in some other post). And since I am here already, I also do not care too much about monkeys or giraffes or horses or elephants! I am not saying I hate them or anything. Trust me I do enjoy those cute videos and clips of these animals doing the most adorable things. However, that bit of fondness exists as long as they are only on my screen and nowhere near me.

I know… somebody did say that man was the most dangerous animal and so on (too lazy to type a reference note so just google it yourself) but I don’t care. I still can’t seem to pet these creatures without feeling apprehensive. I also know you love your mutt very very much but try and keep that love to yourself. Stop trying to convert me. Trust me, even pushing me into a cage of adorable puppies isn’t going to change my view or my irrational (if you say so) fear of them. So back off and keep your grubby paws and wet noses out of my business!!!

I don’t try to shove my fondness for lizards on to you, do I ? Maybe I should… I’m gonna get lizards and grasshoppers and beetle bugs and cute little crickets and release them onto you the next time you tell me, “don’t worry he is very gentle, he doesn’t bite… in fact he barely knows that he is a dog… he thinks he is a tiny baby”. Yeah right!!! That tiny baby is 6 ft tall when he stands on his hind legs and stinks worse that Pickle’s Poop!!! (ooh now that gives me another idea, maybe I should store some of Pickle’s poop… hmmm)

So, dear doggie people (no I don’t mean you, you mutt, I was talking to your owner), I respect the fact that you love your dogs. So much that you feel comfortable about letting your pet bite/lick/scratch your guests or allowing it to spray your guests drinks with their cute hair or keeping a maid just so that you’re not bothered with the whole walk business or even buying the most expensive PINK collar for them. I just request you to understand (or not) the fact FACT that I don’t. Judge me all you want, but just keep them away.

ps: Dear PETA, you don’t have anything to worry. I am too scared of them to even hurt them. In fact when instructed by T to throw stones at the strays to keep them away, I accused him of trying to get me killed since I sincerely believe if I hit the dogs, they WILL come after me and murder me in my sleep.

pps: I am seriously thinking of getting a monitor lizard as a pet, shoving it at people’s face and saying, “Don’t worry, it doesn’t bite. It is Totes Adorbs (Thanks M for this phrase… it is Totes Adorbs!!!).

ppps: Okay I am not entirely sure whether Lizards bite or not. I am just so tired to google it now (come on people, it’s like 5 in the morning).

pppps: I am already designing the “Beware of Monitor Lizard” sign in my head.

ppppps: Will T be on board with the idea? Maybe I will use the you-haven’t-got-me-a-single-gift-in-6-years chip to get him onboard

pppppps: Need to google compatibility with a 2 year old who thinks everything in the world is supposed to be eaten

ppppppps: Need to research recipes of monitor lizard just in case the above does happen, cause I am sure T would want a bite as well

pppppppps: Oh crap, now I have to write a Dear-Monitor-Lizard post to apologize and another letter to PETA to assure them that I mean absolutely no harm!

Disclaimer: In spite of my, ahem, “irrational” fear of dogs, I absolutely LOVE all the dog-loving people in my life and wouldn’t dream of hurting their feelings. It is ridiculously early right now and my thinking could be biased/damaged/mental!!! So if you’re a dog lover and find this funny, I love you more. If you don’t then… ummm I think I need medical help (??)!

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