I can’t … I know I can learn it and perfect it… but I still won’t.
I am quite frank… blunt if you actually hear me… in fact bordering on disgustingly rude at times. I am good at what I do. I may not be exceptional, a choice I made quite consciously, but I am good enough. I strive hard at everything… work at it till I’m satisfied and am always on time. So what does management do? They reward my colleague with a promotion. Why you ask…. Well simply cause his skill sets include… a$$ kissing talents. This is a very special talent. You’re either born with it… or you develop them for purely selfish reasons.
What do you call them:
“A$$” – this is as good as it good. Although I can still think of more colourful options, I would rather not post them on my blog…
There are two types under this category :
1.Ba$$ : the ones who’re born with it ( B-orn-A$$). They are a total natural at this game. They are smooth, cunning and very calculative. They wouldn’t go around kissing everyone’s ass. They would first intelligently analyze the situation and the person, they can get the max out of and then set about to the whole ritual of ass kissing. They would be pretty nonchalant about it and be smart enough to be the good books of others so that no one can really accuse them of their dirty deeds.
The people whose asses are being kissed are quite unaware of these types. They would be charmed and duped by this category.
2.Ma$$: The ones who learn to do it or die trying (M-imic-A$$). They are a total opposite to the above mentioned category. They are crude and crass in their ways, making it too obvious and therefore making a complete ass of themselves… they don’t really put their brains to it, they just know they gotta do it for anyone who’s above them in the hierarchy. But if the opportunity comes knocking around the corner, they wouldn’t mind stepping over the same bosses to reach out to someone else’s ass. People around usually notice this obvious stance of affection this type has for their bosses asses and make fun of it. They seem to be quite dopey and harmless but can cause equal problems as the type above.
The one’s being kissed are painfully aware of it, but love it too much to put an end to it.
The skill set :
- Is able to laugh at any jokes… PJS… or non-existent sense of humor the big guy might have
- Is adept at the fake smile
- Does not posses any spine… balls (men) or any trace of guts
- Is able to nod heads vigorously without acquiring a bad case of the neck-shoulder aches
- Is very verbose
- Is able to giggle like a schoolgirl when the need arises
- Does not have any brains ( at least while they sit their agreeing to whatever nonsense the boss throws at them)
- Volunteers to do everything for the big guy (maybe even tweeze out his nose hair)
- Has the skills to transform between a lion and a mouse as quickly as possible- a mouse in front of the boss and a lion outside of that cabin
- Has a heap load of utterly boring and painful ideas
- Has the will to refuse everybody any right to talk to the boss
- Is very theatrical and hyper
- Is good at pretending : pretending to be the boss’s right hand, pretending to be a confidante, pretending to hate the boss to extract office gossip
- Is awesome at using the boss’s power to eliminate competition
- Is supremely insecure of one’s job
- Has absolutely no morals or principals which might hinder one from being the best ass kisser ever
How to recognize them :
- Glazy eyes – high on power
- Big heads – teeny weeny brains
- Beautiful cheekbones – transplants after too much fake smiling
- Jazzy dressing sense
- The one who’s always with the boss
- One who pretends to be oh so busy all the time
- One who would threaten subordinates or peers with the boss’s name
Dealing with them :
- Kill them – if only I could
- Join them – if you are desperate to climb the corporate ladder… become a Ma$$
- Ignore them – there are millions of them, every nook and corner. Out of the 25 kids born every second, 10 are Ba$$ and the other 10 would become Ma$$s. So forget they exist. If your boss is dumb enough to be duped by these guys… he doesn’t deserve a genuine worker like you. Plus these people might somehow reach to the top… but they will never know peace… or joy. Cause that’s what happens when you are continuously plotting and scheming and kissing ass!