Today was spent in a very different manner. Since my roomie was in the same condition I decided to be with her and not all alone with my terrible thoughts… hmmm spending time with her meant basically going through all the tele serials that u‘ve always learnt to ridicule and laugh at. I still remember those mini-Mahabharata at home when ma really wanted to watch these soaps and dad was engrossed in the share market or news… as usual mom practically won each and every one of those wars and.. Technically even the battle… cause she kinda got dad hooked up to these serials hehehe so now when I go back home I actually find my dad turning to the respective channels at the exact hour … and surprisingly mom got over her addiction…
Anyways, as I watched at least three of the famous “k-series” stuff… (My Indian audience will know exactly what I’m talking about)… I realised I was watching the very same story with different actors at a different time and place…. but the base story remained the same… in fact just after a day of watching these serials I got so good at predicting the next week’s story that its no wonder why so many people round the country sit glued to their idiot boxes.. literally gulping down these soaps…huh??? didn’t get the reason yet??? Dude the story line’s so damn predictable… but it still gives one a self satisfaction on guessing the right direction it is going towards….and THATS WHY!!!!
So, in case you are thinking of making a soap which would catch everybody’s attention even after… probably the 20000th episode… follow the following pointers… blindly!!!
· A love story’s must
· There HAS to be a vamp who’s not only gorgeous but also fashionable…( cause ultimately it’ll be her style that everybody will be following)
· The protagonist has to be a female… from a middle class family( so that in every dialogue she can boast of her “values” )
· She has to wear only traditional dresses… long open hair… lots of heavy jewellery… (matching bangles… bindis… in short … the works!)
· Before the “hero” gets married to the “heroine” there has to be this huge fight between the families( an age old vendetta would be perfect)
· They have to get married at least four to five times to the wrong people before they finally realise who they’re destined to be with.
· After every ten episode, introduce a new vamp… who would have to have her own special effects… (the flashes… and the shakes…)
· After every twenty episode get another illegitimate child on the scene… (work alternately between the hero and the heroine… first his then hers… then his again…then….)
· Most important, at least four children have to get lost in their childhood and be brought up by different enemies.
· At least three children should get exchanged only to be brought up by anot
her set of different enemies….
· There have to be few (more than five) black sheeps in the family and at least fifty to sixty episodes can be dedicated to get them back on the correct path.
· One of the main characters has to die early… only to reappear YEARS later after a plastic surgery… ( death can be due to cancer, murder.. preferably in a BOMB blast which has been placed in a car)
· As soon there’s even a slight dip in the ratings… fast forward twenty years… get loads of new characters on the set… so the audience can spend another ifty episodes guessing or reasoning who’s who.
· The lead actress should be proficient in crying. .. in fact, in bawling like a baby… cause around ten episodes have to be exclusively made on it.
· Except for the twenty year leaps everything else on a TV serial has to be in slow motion… that means the heroine can smile through a whole episode… she can run from enemies in another, people can keep getting married in yet another one…. andif thats not enough… you can even show someone crying throughout one whole episode.
· The family a girl gets married into… should have atleast two skeletons in the cupboard and tonnes of secrets buried in the garden, secret doorway… or even ceiling 😉
· There should be around three guys vying for the attention of the female protagonist, and should come back after “many” years to take revenge from the male protagonist for having stolen their lady love.
· There have to be ample lot of secret letters flying around, getting into the “wrong” hands.
· The episode MUST end on a note of suspense, like say talking to someone on the phone and then saying “WHAT!!!!”(end of episode)… whatever the reason for the exclamation is.
· Murders, blackmails, rapes, premarriage pregnancy, extra marital affairs, secret love child.. should be a part of the daily lives of the protagonists.
· Loads of resounding SLAPS…raised eyebrows… and crooked grins…
· Every serial’s moral should be the same, “the triumph of truth over evil” ( even if it triumphs once after thirty or so loses during 100 odd episodes.. only to lose again in the next fifty)
There… once u gets those pointers sorted out… nobody can get in your way of making a complete blockbuster serial…. Best of luck people!!!